Counting down....

 This pregnancy has been a journey like no other. In the beginning, I often wondered if the sad times would take over and put a dark shadow on our lives.  They haven't!  Our God and Savior has sustained us the entire time. I am definitely not saying there have been no tears, but there have been so many more good days than hard days. We've made good memories with our Kai the best way we know how and I hope we can cherish these memories forever. Each family member has different ways of dealing with this trial, but we've learned to lean on each other and support each other.  We've seen our kids' relationships grow stronger and watched them encourage each other. What a blessing!

I wanted to jot a few memories down, so that we don't forget them...

Nolan and Nevin (6 years old) are so young, it's hard for them to even wrap their little minds around this.  They pray for Kai at dinner time and often ask "silly" questions about him. The innocence of their youth is so sweet.  A couple of times in the past few months, spunky little Nevin would blurt out, "I can't wait to die!".  To which I would respond "Nevin! Don't ever say that!" and he would tell me "I am just saying, heaven is going to be awesome, with streets of gold and mansions, and plus I would get to be with Kai sooner!"  Needless to say, we've had some conversations about God's purpose for us here on this earth and that heaven will always be there for us and never fade.


Tucker, who is even younger, just 2 1/2 years old, has his own love for his baby brother as well.  We go through the same conversation every night when we sit down to rock at bedtime. Tucker snuggles all in around my very round, protruding belly... he seems to fit just perfectly. His hand wonders down to my belly and he sets it right on top and the same words are said every night...


TUCKER: (in his sweet little voice) "This is baby Kai?"
ME: "Yep, that's baby Kai."
TUCKER: (lifts his head up with his big eyes looking right into mine, raises his eye brows, and then pushes his hand a little harder on my belly)  "I 'quish' baby Kai???"
ME:  "Noooo, don't squish him, you should be soft and show him love."
TUCKER: "Ok mom"  (then he starts to rub my belly very softly, sometimes till he falls asleep)



Bryson, our sweet sensitive 8 year old, has loved to have his hand on my belly, every chance he gets.  Many times, he would come and talk to me about his day and his hand would gently rub over my belly the whole time we would be talking. I think some of the time, it was done subconsciously, but out of pure love for that little life growing inside me.



The girls (12 years old) struggled with telling their friends about Kai's situation, but they wanted him to have his place in their life.  They are proud that he is their brother and didn't want to keep him a secret, so as hard as it was, they told their friends that he would probably only be with us a short time.  They took Kai's sonogram pictures and hung them in their locker, so that they could remember how special he is to them and show him off throughout their school day.  Also, at night, when they would head up to bed, they would usually ask, "Is Kai wiggling or is he sleeping?"  They would give him a little pat and tell him "Good night little Kai!".


Ashton (14 years old) has been the quietest of the kids when we talk about Kai... actually he's probably the quietest of all the kids period! =)  He has always been a deep thinker and would ask questions about Kai as they came to him.  He continued to remain strong and only say positive things, knowing that the kids all look up to him as the older brother.  He told us at one point, that he feels like Kai will always be with him throughout his whole life even though he won't be on this earth.  I think he's right.  =)

We've been able to do so much throughout the pregnancy.  I have felt great the entire time! We have had some fun family time.... of course, the highlight was our trip to the beach, which "kicked off" this pregnancy!  We also did a couple Brown County trips, a Holiday World adventure, a few spontaneous day trips to Indy, and even a 3 day trip to an indoor water park right before Christmas!  (Of course, Kai and I spent most of our time in the lazy river, which was fine with me!) =)

On a side note...  I don't know what I would've done without Dave, he is my rock.  He has been there for me over the last 15 years and this pregnancy has been no different. Our relationship is so uniquely solid, thank God! I have always felt like we have something that most of this world could never even understand. He is my absolute best friend and I couldn't love him any more than I do. Just when I thought our relationship could never be any stronger, God put us "here".  We have grown even closer and our bond is tighter than ever. We have cried together, encouraged each other, and praised God together.  I would have never chosen this recent path that God put us on, but I am convinced that I couldn't have walked it without Dave.  God knew that almost 16 years ago when He brought Dave into my life!


There are so many emotions going through us this week.  We are approaching the day with a positive attitude, but there are times that it's just too much for our human minds to bear. Times that we have to break down and have a good cry and bring ourselves back to the point where we can thank God for this.  I am thankful for God's word and my personal time with God daily.  It always seems to encourage me and get me back on track and thinking about things eternally. 

Please pray for us this week. I know that so many are praying, and not just because you tell us, but because we are reaping all the benefits from your prayers.  I cherish the sweet comments and messages that you have sent to us.  So many times, if I am feeling down, I go back and read over them.  I plan on printing them out and keeping them as keepsakes. It's amazing the support that we've had from friends, families, and even some perfect strangers!  God has put you in our path for a reason and we thank Him for that as well.