A Letter from Mommy...

Dear sweet baby Kai,

We are now counting down the hours until we get to meet you!  So many mixed emotions run through us.  Feelings of excitement and anticipation, but also feelings of cautiousness and sadness. Some days I just wish I could keep you safe inside me forever, and other days I feel like I can't wait a minute longer to meet you, our amazing little boy.


As the time comes closer that we will get to welcome you to this world, I can't help but feel so much different than how I felt with your brothers and sisters.  Before, I felt like I was going to get to meet a little bundle that would change our lives from that point on.  Now, I feel like we finally get to meet the little bundle that has already changed our lives in so many ways.

You've taught us how to give everything, and I mean EVERYTHING over to God and to surrender to His will, not our own selfish wants.

You've also taught us that it's ok if we aren't always in control.  We must depend on God to get us through the trial that He put us in. If we deny to ask Him for the strength to get us through, we are giving up the grace that He WANTS to give us, and we are depending on our own flesh to sustain us.  I used to think that "I" was strong enough to get through anything, but I have come to realize how truly weak I am without God's presence and power.  Never once, have I felt alone on this journey with you, Kai. Your daddy and our family and friends have continuously been an amazing support and encouragement to me! Most of all, God has been right there with all of us the whole time.

 You have taught us what true faith is. Faith is believing that God is who He says He is and believing He will do what He says He will! We thank God for the promises that He gives us in his word... oh, how we have clung to those many promises! Promises that He will heal your body, promises that we will have eternity with you, promises that He wants what is best for us, even when we can't understand no matter how hard we try.

Thank you for these lessons and many more Kai. I have a journal that I started at the beginning of your life, and in this journal I have listed the many, many things that God has taught me through you. I will treasure that journal and the verses in God's word that have brought us through this pregnancy.  My relationship with God will never be the same and I have you, Kai, to thank for that.

Tomorrow will be a day like no other. I hope we have some time with you, even if it's just minutes or hours, to get to know you better, but in some ways, I feel like I feel like we know you already.

I know that you are a mover and a shaker!  They said we probably wouldn't feel you move much, since you were unhealthy and I had too much fluid.  Oh, how I am glad they were wrong!  We have felt you kick all over.  All of your brothers and sisters love to feel you kick and as soon as they know you are being active, they would try their hardest to feel for themselves.  It is so cute to see the smiles on their faces as they feel you move around.  They love you so much!

Another thing I know about you is that you are a night owl! Many times, when I would wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, you would be doing your own little jig, moving all around!  This would usually happen at least 2 or 3 times a night, and I enjoyed laying in the quiet darkness, feeling you squirm as I drifted off to sleep again.

I know that you're not a fan of the hiccups!  It was a long time before you got the hiccups, but in the last couple weeks, you've had them several times.  I love that feeling, but sometimes it seems to irritate you as you try to settle yourself and get comfortable.

I know you've got a stubborn streak!  Sometimes in the last few weeks, when the sonographer would try to do your biophysical profile, you would be sound asleep. After much shaking and prodding, you would start practicing your breathing, so we knew you were "awake", but you still would not budge.  They would need to count your movements, in order to give you a good score, but your stubborn side seemed to kick in.  No matter how much she would "shake" my belly, you would not move, just lay there looking peaceful, totally ignoring all of our attempts.

I often wonder if it's that stubbornness that has kept you thriving all this time. I read early on that most Trisomy 18 babies aren't strong enough to even endure life in the womb and that only about 5% make it through to a full-term pregnancy.  We knew that our days with you could be numbered and that at anytime, God could take you to be with Him.  Sonogram after sonogram, they monitored you and your heart, and you continued to be strong and hang in there.  Here we are at almost 39 weeks, and we are praising God for having all this time with you... 244 days and counting....

God only knows how this story goes from here.  We have tried to plan and prepare for you, but the only way we can truly prepare, is to prepare our hearts and let God's plan take course.

Though this journey has been heart-breaking at times, I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I love you and who you are with every fiber of my being.

Looking forward to our time on earth and our eternity together...

Love,
Mommy